Sunday, April 27, 2008
what does your name say about you?

*Delete the other person's whole name and repost this with the title "What does your name say about you?" in 11 minutes and something wonderful will happen.

> A : You like to drink.
> B : You like people.
> C : You are really silly.
> D : You like to drink.
> E : Awesome in bed.
> F : You are dead sexy.
> G : You never let people tell you what to do.
> H : You have a very good personality and good looks.
> I : You really like to drink.
> J : People adore you.
> K : You're wild and crazy.
> L : Everyone loves you.
> M : Best kisser ever.
> N:You are great in bed.
> O : Easy to fall in love with.
> P : You are popular with all types of people.
> Q : You are a hypocrite.
> R : Awesome kisser.
> S : Fuckin' crazy.
> T : You're loyal to those you love.
> U : You really like to chill.
> V : You are not judgemental.
> W : You are very broad minded.
> X : You love sports.
> Y : Best bf/gf anyone could ask for.
> Z : Always ready.

------------------------------------------------

> M : Best kisser ever.
> I : You really like to drink.
> C : You are really silly.
> H : You have a very good personality and good looks.
> E : Awesome in bed.
> L : Everyone loves you.
> L : Everyone loves you.
> E : Awesome in bed.

> M : Best kisser ever.
> A : You like to drink.
> R : Awesome kisser.
> I : You really like to drink.
> E : Awesome in bed.

> M : Best kisser ever.
> E : Awesome in bed.
> N:You are great in bed.
> D : You like to drink.
> O : Easy to fall in love with.
> Z : Always ready.
> A : You like to drink.

A Bit of Reflection

It just doesn't seem real but every day it stares me at the face and i can't turn my head away. For 17 years, I've know that it was going to happen eventually. I cried so many nights while he was still alive for his impending death and I thought I had no more tears to shed.

For 2 nights, I cried and dreamed. Those dreams seems so real.

During the wake, our aunts and uncles said we were being brave because they only saw us cry while at the hospital. We laughed and ate during the wake and entertained people who came. It was a hassle my dad asked my mom not to make. Still we had the wake and many people who were my dad's friends came. I knew none of them as he made the effort for us never to meet.

When I thought of my dad's death before, I thought it would be more... numbing.

I'm not sure if I am numb yet but some mornings I wake to think I'll be able to talk with him like we used to do. No words are exchanged between us anymore.

My grandma told my mom my dad said to her that he could go anytime because marie was okay already.

My mom repeated it several times to me and it didn't help that when I was a child my siblings used to say that it was my fault that my dad got sick. I suddenly feel guilty for wanting to be so independent. For learning how to commute, for learning about boys, for leaving without giving every single detail he asked for; for all those things I did he felt more at ease to leave. I'm not sure whether to be glad or to feel as if I pushed him.

by the way:
There are 2 events that happened this year that I remember that seem important now that happened in school.

1. Mica was asked by our English teacher how she would feel if her father died and her mother remarried her diseased father's brother. She said she would be okay with it as long as her mother was happy. I guess now that could really happen to me...

p.s. all my father's brothers are married and yes I would be okay with her remarrying as long as she was happy. And no, I would probably not treat him as my father.

2. Rosalyn said to the time capsule that our class made that she hoped her father would still be alive after 10 years. I remember thinking of saying the same thing but thought it would be tackles to Rosalyn's earlier message since my father was not old. Now I guess I regret that decision a tiny bit.

Mostly thought I regret him never seeing my future (hopefully) children and husband (and maybe a pet or something). He knew I wanted those... and I always thought they would be able to see both their grandparents on both sides like how I had it. I am glad though he fulfilled his promise that he lived till my graduation. In fact he went a step further and died after my brother and sisters graduation and my grandfathers birthday (*he died one hour after tuesday which was the day of my grandfathers birthday) amazing; no?

Anyway. There for now that's all I have to say. For now, it just seems all unreal to me.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008
death

my dad died

Thursday, January 24, 2008
Hello

I guess i owe this blog a lot of stories, dont i? Im sorry. So much has happened. There's that infamous IP, the Baguio retreat, being played a fool, stories of friends, Dreaming of falling in love, dreaming of breaking hearts, Colleges, the Future, Friends, confusion, tests, results, 2nd Un-Christmas and so much more. i dont know where to start and i probably wont. This is enough that you know im not gone forever. Just for now, I'm trying to find my rhythm, trying to find me.

Monday, November 26, 2007
" what a boyfriend should do"

When she walks away from you mad
[ Follow her ]

When she stare's at your mouth
[ Kiss her ]

When she pushes you or hit's you
[ Grab her and dont let go ]

When she start's cussing at you
[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]

When she's quiet
[ Ask her whats wrong ]

When she ignore's you
[ Give her your attention ]

When she pull's away
[ Pull her back ]

When you see her at her worst
[ Tell her she's beautiful ]

When you see her start crying
[Just hold her and dont say a word ]

When you see her walking
[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]

When she's scared
[ Protect her ]

When she lay's her head on your shoulder
[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]

When she steal's your favorite hat
[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]

When she tease's you
[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]

When she doesnt answer for a long time
[ reassure her that everything is okay ]

When she look's at you with doubt
[ Back yourself up ]

When she say's that she like's you
[ she really does more than you could understand ]

When she grab's at your hands
[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]

When she bump's into you
[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]

When she tell's you a secret
[ keep it safe and untold ]

When she looks at you in your eyes
[ dont look away until she does ]

When she misses you
[ she's hurting inside ]
When you break her heart
[ the pain never really goes away ]

When she says its over
[ she still wants you to be hers ]

When she repost this bulletin
[ she wants you to read it ]



- Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.

- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go

- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her

- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up (that may be somewhat obsessive)

- Treat her like she's all that matters to you. (not always true...for me anyway)

- Tease her and let her tease you back.

- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.

- Give her the world. (you don't really own it...)

- Let her wear your clothes.

- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.

- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.

- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
Call you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Text you.

Guys post as: "i'd be this boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A true boyfriend " or " what a boyfriend should do"


there's no one specific yet though i know its sort of stupid but i want a guy like that...yes world i've officially turned into a girl

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

i got new glasses yesterday since i seem to have the capability to shorten the life span of anything just by holding it. we also went out to lola's farm on sunday. it was fun enough. the night of sunday i cooked for my siblings that was new. though yes it was only hot dogs considering i've cooked nothing before this was an okay start :) 8 hotdogs okay? cut into 8 parts. lots of oil fired back at me but who cares right? i was too afraid of burning the food to notice the pain.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Conscience

It said on the white paper given to our class that following one's conscience means that one would do what is right and move towards the common good. With my dilemma now I'm not completely sure if there is a 'right' move. I have always been apprehensive of people leaving my life and coming back again, them acting as if nothing was supposed to change. I found it quite selfish of them to expect such and act on love from me when I had none to give. Because this scenario happens quite frequently in my life, I have grown to learn never to get too attached to people and for them to mean less than or just as much as I do for them. I have even sabotaged some of my friendships with people when things got too good. Part of me thinks that I do this because I feared that letting someone too close would inevitable let me grow to love them and then one time or another they would just leave.

All that I said before is just instinct; inside though or as some would call it my conscience tells me that that kind of action is wrong. It does not let a person grow. That being afraid of expectations, hurt and any kind of closeness is something that leads a person to destruction not for the better. Some people have become close to my heart and maybe I owe this to my conscience for stopping my instincts. It is sometimes good and sometimes bad because of the hurt but the good times make up for the bad, most of the time anyway.

I am stuck in a dilemma like I was before. Do I stop a blooming friendship or do I let it continue? I wonder what my conscience is telling me yet it is silenced. What do I believe is right? I am not sure. If I say it’s over it would hurt this person and even though I would be free from future pains I would have hurt someone and that is something I do not want. But if I stay it might turn into something I do not want or I would be the one to be hurt. It really seems like a no win situation. None of the scenarios seem like the best for the common good of the world. What is worse still is that I think I may already care about this person. I hate the fact that I miss this person when I don't see this person for a period of time and I hate it when I smile when we talk. It's as if my heart is already accepting this person. I'm not ready yet for someone like this person because he or she is hinting things I am in no means ready for especially not with this person. I know I have to decide soon what action to take or it's going to take on its own course. Which is for the best? What would help us both the most? I wish my conscience were a person on its own so that it could be right here talking me through this mess; him telling me what to do and me being comforted by that fact that his decision would be for the best.

In situations like this I never know what is right or wrong, what would for the best. I hope soon I would be able to decide or else my lack of action would have already chosen my decision for me.