Sunday, October 14, 2007

Conscience

It said on the white paper given to our class that following one's conscience means that one would do what is right and move towards the common good. With my dilemma now I'm not completely sure if there is a 'right' move. I have always been apprehensive of people leaving my life and coming back again, them acting as if nothing was supposed to change. I found it quite selfish of them to expect such and act on love from me when I had none to give. Because this scenario happens quite frequently in my life, I have grown to learn never to get too attached to people and for them to mean less than or just as much as I do for them. I have even sabotaged some of my friendships with people when things got too good. Part of me thinks that I do this because I feared that letting someone too close would inevitable let me grow to love them and then one time or another they would just leave.

All that I said before is just instinct; inside though or as some would call it my conscience tells me that that kind of action is wrong. It does not let a person grow. That being afraid of expectations, hurt and any kind of closeness is something that leads a person to destruction not for the better. Some people have become close to my heart and maybe I owe this to my conscience for stopping my instincts. It is sometimes good and sometimes bad because of the hurt but the good times make up for the bad, most of the time anyway.

I am stuck in a dilemma like I was before. Do I stop a blooming friendship or do I let it continue? I wonder what my conscience is telling me yet it is silenced. What do I believe is right? I am not sure. If I say it’s over it would hurt this person and even though I would be free from future pains I would have hurt someone and that is something I do not want. But if I stay it might turn into something I do not want or I would be the one to be hurt. It really seems like a no win situation. None of the scenarios seem like the best for the common good of the world. What is worse still is that I think I may already care about this person. I hate the fact that I miss this person when I don't see this person for a period of time and I hate it when I smile when we talk. It's as if my heart is already accepting this person. I'm not ready yet for someone like this person because he or she is hinting things I am in no means ready for especially not with this person. I know I have to decide soon what action to take or it's going to take on its own course. Which is for the best? What would help us both the most? I wish my conscience were a person on its own so that it could be right here talking me through this mess; him telling me what to do and me being comforted by that fact that his decision would be for the best.

In situations like this I never know what is right or wrong, what would for the best. I hope soon I would be able to decide or else my lack of action would have already chosen my decision for me.