Sunday, April 27, 2008
A Bit of Reflection

It just doesn't seem real but every day it stares me at the face and i can't turn my head away. For 17 years, I've know that it was going to happen eventually. I cried so many nights while he was still alive for his impending death and I thought I had no more tears to shed.

For 2 nights, I cried and dreamed. Those dreams seems so real.

During the wake, our aunts and uncles said we were being brave because they only saw us cry while at the hospital. We laughed and ate during the wake and entertained people who came. It was a hassle my dad asked my mom not to make. Still we had the wake and many people who were my dad's friends came. I knew none of them as he made the effort for us never to meet.

When I thought of my dad's death before, I thought it would be more... numbing.

I'm not sure if I am numb yet but some mornings I wake to think I'll be able to talk with him like we used to do. No words are exchanged between us anymore.

My grandma told my mom my dad said to her that he could go anytime because marie was okay already.

My mom repeated it several times to me and it didn't help that when I was a child my siblings used to say that it was my fault that my dad got sick. I suddenly feel guilty for wanting to be so independent. For learning how to commute, for learning about boys, for leaving without giving every single detail he asked for; for all those things I did he felt more at ease to leave. I'm not sure whether to be glad or to feel as if I pushed him.

by the way:
There are 2 events that happened this year that I remember that seem important now that happened in school.

1. Mica was asked by our English teacher how she would feel if her father died and her mother remarried her diseased father's brother. She said she would be okay with it as long as her mother was happy. I guess now that could really happen to me...

p.s. all my father's brothers are married and yes I would be okay with her remarrying as long as she was happy. And no, I would probably not treat him as my father.

2. Rosalyn said to the time capsule that our class made that she hoped her father would still be alive after 10 years. I remember thinking of saying the same thing but thought it would be tackles to Rosalyn's earlier message since my father was not old. Now I guess I regret that decision a tiny bit.

Mostly thought I regret him never seeing my future (hopefully) children and husband (and maybe a pet or something). He knew I wanted those... and I always thought they would be able to see both their grandparents on both sides like how I had it. I am glad though he fulfilled his promise that he lived till my graduation. In fact he went a step further and died after my brother and sisters graduation and my grandfathers birthday (*he died one hour after tuesday which was the day of my grandfathers birthday) amazing; no?

Anyway. There for now that's all I have to say. For now, it just seems all unreal to me.