Thursday, June 08, 2006

i cry inside. thats the safest place right now isnt it?

today we had celebrated mass and during this I was jealous, but dont tell anyone okay? it really hurt but i told myself as well that i had no right to feel those things. for a while it went away but then it would just come back at some point. During the part where you bless each other as always i can already feel the tears swell up in my eye sockets. that always happens. and thought i tell my friend later that i dont know the answer as to why i felt like crying during the mass (i didnt specify to them when), i actually know why. stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid marie. stupid.

it hurts me to know that we aren't closer because of something that i lack. you've already put in effort and i just seem to lack that initiative. its still engraved in my mind that if someone wants something from me they'll just come and get it from me. then again it would be mean of me to expect that of people before i even get to know them. i want to be in your life yet im not sure you want me there. though you've said you love me you love practically everyone and that may just make me some random acquaintance.

I've been staying up late again and thru the night infact... its one of the only times i can control my loneliness. at this time i feel not loneliness because of someone else not being there. this is why i stay up. well and because i find it relaxing.