Saturday, June 30, 2007
waking to a dream
again another Friday was spent staring out to the blurriness of the sky, the trees and basically everything that was around a yard stick away from me. almost every friday from now on, our batch being the 4th years, will be attending CAT. no longer is it the military thing but so far it appears to be a meeting for doing nothing that lasts an over an hour. today our bus was 30 minutes later then the last time. so instead of coming to school at 6:00 the bus came at 6:30 and while praying for no traffic and getting (thank God) barely any, i came home 7:30-ish.what actually made the day seem longer was the kapatiran. kapatiran is an activity our school has between the 1st years and the 4th years where we, the 4th years, befriend the freshies and welcome them to our school. during this week we were supposed to give out clues and let our sisters guess who we are. then they do tasks and at the end there is a ceremony. its supposed to be a fun activity bringing unity to the school. i guess im one of those people who make activities like these not completely successful.
in short i wasnt as participative as i should have been and my sister wasnt as well sisterly as i think she should have been. i spent the entire time making sure she was still there, since she constantly left to go with her friends, wondering if she was having fun and sometimes asking her questions to start up a conversation only to be replied to by a short, stressed answer.
she didnt even do/ accomplish any of the tasks i assigned to her and when we met she never brought up the subject of her lack of obedience to my 'tasking power' and neither a sorry nor an explanation was given.
oh well...i honestly tried to befriend her thought it looks like she had it set in here mind that kapatiran was going to be boring. ( i heard her say it to a friend so this deduction about her thinking is not taken from complete fiction and my paranoia.)
its weird. now that i think about it i found it harder to be the ate then the sister. being the sister all you have to be is a 1st year and it wasnt even your fault who your ate was. being the 4th year i find that im now expected to know how to act, how to befriend, how to teach and be taught, how to meet strangers and act all loving and nurturing. i apperently and sadly havent learned most of those things which makes me automatically fear any activity which makes me use those talents i was supposed to learn during my second and third year. i hate feeling my heart being squeezed tight; i can imagine clearly my heart popping as my fingernails dig in to it in attempt to not panic. sigh...
(oh yeah by the way i got a bruise (as in black and blue on my ankle) from the only game me and my sister played. she and i popped a balloon each and our balloon stayed alive...i guess im proud of that fact :) )
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today sat we had review classes and damn i am not passing the UPCAT, ascet pa sana pwede pa but not the upcat. (s0 anyway)
i was at the national book store in katipunan and i was browsing the books and all i could think about was how they were like people. so many being born and some being lost. too many for one person to read, some not appealing to others. there are so many similarities that i may have to save that for another entry. :)
i love my books this day was about (for me) books...reading them, dreading them and learning form them :) synopsis
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
school blues
ive forgotten how stressful school really is and now the only way i seem to be passing the time is by telling myself there are only a few days left in the week. i cant believe how sleepy i am now a days, it doesn't really let me concentrate on my classes. damn it. there is this one teacher that acts like we all know exactly what shes talking about. she talks so fast...they all seem to speak too fast.im not yet too stressed... maybe just a little psychotic.
this school year is different as this summer was different as well. i guess now is a time for change. a time for people to grow and sometimes you cant help when some people grow in different directions. its simply a change of heart and a change of mind. people want different things as time moves on and we cant always hold on as long as we can. the answer, sometimes, is in letting go and seeing how far we drift away from each other because with distance there can be more growth.
im a bit scared about the subjects this year. i sort of expect myself to do well in the math department and hopefully okay in the science (since math is a big portion of it) and in the other departments i hope to do my best. but the chances of things going as i expect them is like betting in the lottery and expecting to win. yes, someone has to win the prize but many of them dont and many are left with an empty pocket and an angry spouse. haaay..well if i fail this year i have no one to blame but myself....
okay so my thoughts are allover the place right now. see some one is really pushing my buttons. i guess unintentionally but still i can only take so much.
anyway...im going now...no one reads you anyway... oh well
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
mendoza is fine with me
school has started and already i fall asleep at the slightest idea of learning something new. my eyes get droopy and all i can think about is how heavy my eyelids are getting and how i seem to hear nothing. then when i do get a chance to sleep, during recess or lunch, i cant seem to even get a nap in because my stupid body cant seem to get the grip what the right time of sleeping is :|our class is okay. some of our other classmates got changed though and mean of me to say to those who came back (yung mga nawala nung third year) i feel really bad to those who have to get used to a different section so close to the end. it seems so pointless to make ties that would (almost surely) break before two years end. some times i wished we could just have the old section but then again what about those people who were happy to come back? i guess it sort of mean to them to wish them away for the happiness of others.
our schedule though is another thing that needs improvement. it is one of the most suckiest things i have ever seen in my life. i mean why do i have to get home at 5:30 pm every single day at the earliest? damn. oh well... the with the fact that clubs is now the first subject for Friday means many will and are complaining about the stupidity of it. they have their reasons i know, those stupid people who skipped classes are to blame :| damn them. now though im already dreading starting the subjects and figuring out what my course will be for college. thats just it im confused as usual.
and with me feeling sleepy most of the hours of the day and the weather being the ass that it is, i kind of miss my ym days where all i had to do was stay up and wait for my friends to go online and i got to hear how they were doing. its only been two days but sometimes its frightening to think if this is how things are already are and its not even the start of the actual activities yet, how bad will things get once were all studying, doing projects and assignments. i guess if i ever never again get to talk to my friends like before then i'll be writing here more often.
oh yeah i remember the first day where our teacher assumed my hair was dyed(?) and then i also had to raise my hand (mine being the only one up) to show that i lacked the capacity to speak tagalog as fluent as they do. :| i kind of get a feeling that things with her as my teacher wont be so good. and lastly i'd like to complain about my stupid common average name :|
michelle marie mendoza :|
when have three really and very plain average names been put together? i have a hard enough time with richel and michelle sounding alike and now i have to deal with another marie being right beside me. and there other people are also more "called upon" so i end up like the idiot who turned her head when she wasnt the one even being called. it makes me want to answer to only mendoza. maybe then i wont get confused who's being called. thank god the other mendoza's didnt come to our sections then then i wouldnt even have one name to pick as to not confuse others and myself. (i do not in anyway hate nor dislike richel or marie :) )
haaay i guess a new year will always have its ups and downs... and all you can do is deal with them as they come your way.
next time again... if i write to regularly you know i've practically lost contact with the people i used to share to. :)
well its not like anyone reads this anymore anyway... :| i guess this is just now a way to let things out. you could call it my safety net just in case i dont hold on to my friends enough :) or they forget to hold back :P
oh yeah... there are somethings about summer i've forgotten to write down here in this blog, some because i told someone else about it or i just didn't have the time, but maybe thats for the better so i'll forget they've happened or been thought of. anyway :)) okay that comment doesn't fit anywhere here...oh well
...see you when ever again
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
summer end blues
i guess when it hits you it hits you hard. i dont really understand people and i've never before actually tried but now that i think about it, it should have been one of the techniques i should have practiced from the very beginning. see people are strange, includes me as well. (no duh no? parang di kasi ako tao) and i just cant get a grip of their mind. it changes thoughts so fast that while im processing what they said before, im now in the dilemma of trying to catch and understand the next thing that pops out of their heads while still thinking about what they just said. haaay...i'll never get the hang of that. and why is it boys are so different from girls? i mean why couldnt they be the same in a lot of ways? it would have made living so much easier to cope with. granted that it might be less entertaining and less interesting...but still i hate trying to understand two breeds of people so different but still counted as somewhat the same and still be expected to live a normal life and abide by the laws of normality and basic human notions.maybe this is me just venting because school is about to start and i feel the ache in my heart already. just thinking about all the hw im going to have to do, all the test im going to take, all the people i'll be forced to interact with and all the disappointments i'll have to deal with. mostly right now im afraid of the kapatiran and definitely the section arrangements... also the entrance exams... the heart can sometimes only take so much...so i ramble on and on to fill the emptiness my brain thinks my hearts has...
but my rambling before this had its reasons i am not some complete and utter lunatic. well me staying up this late obviously means the expert review classes are over and im now just bumming around in the house. bumming bumming bumming
bubububummmmmmmer....that me a bummer. summers almost over can you believe?