Sunday, September 23, 2007
dreams

i wont complain about school nor will i tell stories of the hectic week. I will not babel on and on about mistakes i've made nor will i bother you with details of my confused state. I will tell you though of something that has caught my attention. as i was moving around my multiply account i came across an entry about a boy or, i'd rather say, a man. i read about him and how i felt and i can vaguely remember those moments with him, in dreams though they were. he had beautiful eyes. i mentioned two dreams there but there were 2 others i can recall. I'll only say the short versions of the stories because i can barely remember them myself and because its sometimes nice to leave a trace of things for people to imagine themselves.

1. we were running in a hunted house or something of the sort and it was also some sort of bring me/gathering hunt. well, i was in the store and he came to the stall and sat down. i remember his eyes and how captivating they were. we just sat. then (as all dreams do for me anyway) the next scene showed us in a room, hiding from the creepy things trying to eat us, if my memory serves me right. there was only one bed and we needed our sleep. as we lay in bed i was really scared because of all the things trying to eat us out side of the room. i guess sensing my fear and anxiety he spooned me and hugged me as well and amazingly it felt really good. i could feel his body heat and i was comforted by that. he was calm whilst i was panicking. and that is my dream. :)

2. we were at a cliff house, my family, me and other people and it was strange but i had some friends over and he was there... it was a dark room with weird stuff and like big masks that were used for plays during the Elizabethan times and i remember seeing a red or dark blood red ratty couch and a carpet that had intricate patterns all over it and it was a bit musky. we were talking about a project and i remember staring at him... his eyes rather. and then next scene (or from some other dream im not sure) we were outside the house and near the clify part and there he was... and i dont remember anymore...

its was nice to dream of him...and i remember the last dream i had i think was when the world was ending and everyone was rushing around... he was there (with a bunch of people or not) and they were sining and being calm while everyone was panicking. i was drawn to him, his eyes. and i felt calm too. i stopped running and walked towards them and (sat on the table with him or stood beside him) sang... i remember a calm voice emitting from all of us at once, it was like we were one but not also. i could here their voices individually. i think i then turned to him and i saw his smile and a light that was softly glowing or rapping itself around him... he was like an angel

where my entry is found (sorry in advance for the typos and wrong grammar): link

on a different yet related note:
(anyway..it may not seem like much... and its strange that a friend of mine just said that it hurts to not feel love given back...that life was not worth living anymore. it really makes me think, are all these dreams of some non existing /not yet here guy worth nothing? and that if no one loves me back will i want everything to end? its strange really, i've never been in love and i cant really tell how much it hurts, i can only phantom what effect it'll have on someone. )

Sunday, September 16, 2007
Okay lang umiyak :) :(( di na kasi mapipigil eh

huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh heart wrenching pero... pero... favorite ko!!!! Gaaaahhhhd promise.. nakakaiyak na...parang magegets mo na.... na..naa...... :(( bastaaaaaa super pag mahilig ka sa touching things this is the thing for you...

haay..benta kasi sakin ang mga nagpapaiyak sakin... kaya yan ang benta talaga sakin
"there are actually three choices in life...you can make an effort, give up or you can continue loving forever and ever without ever doing anything about it."
"im saddened to think that we may never meet again but I'm glad that i feel in love with you"

AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

:(( gahd..bawat episode ata pinipigil ko nalang iyak ko..as in... pigil na pigil... nafefeel ko yung muscles ko nahihirapan na... haay..pero bitter sweet...

Friday, September 14, 2007
regret

its when things are at the extremes do we find that we can do our best or worst. but not really. I drew this on September 12, 2007 and wasted my red ball pen on September 13, 2007.

Ive come to hope that drawing what i feel takes away even just a bit of that bad feeling. but if it doesn't work, it doesn't matter that much. There's really no harm in drawing it. as the days go by im not getting less confused but its hurting less. during the day of September 12 all i could think about was the stupid goddamned thing i did and i could barely concentrate on my classes. i even had to sing out loud during the bus trip home because i could feel the tears creeping up on my eyes as i would think of the situation. sining, i have found, distracts my brain and lets me think of nothing.

i dont have a scanner so the picture isn't that good, im sorry.

i tried telling someone but everyones too busy. i even think she has forgotten that i've even mentioned such a thing. but heck, im supposed to be busy but i guess im just screwing things over. i hate this. i'm not even sad, just hurting and probably confused too.

i promised not to tell, and i wont, but i need some release and no matter how much drawing i do it wont have the same effect as talking about it...damn

oh yeah i have just finished all my applications and im not sure if ive actually accomplished them all. oh well. When the ACET is over i can relax about that then theres the IP to think about.... weee :| God does have a sense of humor.

if i make it though the year that would be a miracle. :( gahd... i need some one to hug... i think i've made the biggest mistake of my life...and for the first time i can honestly say... if i could change something i would change that in an instant.

If thats you... then im sorry...i said it was okay then but when i woke up the next i started thinking...and i regret it...so much... i dont think were there yet..i just dont.

Friday, September 07, 2007
why i stay up at night

i cry inside. thats the safest place right now isnt it?

today we had celebrated mass and during this I was jealous, but dont tell anyone okay? it really hurt but i told myself as well that i had no right to feel those things. for a while it went away but then it would just come back at some point. During the part where you bless each other as always i can already feel the tears swell up in my eye sockets. that always happens. and thought i tell my friend later that i dont know the answer as to why i felt like crying during the mass (i didnt specify to them when), i actually know why. stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid marie. stupid.

it hurts me to know that we aren't closer because of something that i lack. you've already put in effort and i just seem to lack that initiative. its still engraved in my mind that if someone wants something from me they'll just come and get it from me. then again it would be mean of me to expect that of people before i even get to know them. i want to be in your life yet im not sure you want me there. though you've said you love me you love practically everyone and that may just make me some random acquaintance.

I've been staying up late again and thru the night infact... its one of the only times i can control my loneliness. at this time i feel not loneliness because of someone else not being there. this is why i stay up.

Saturday, September 01, 2007
waiting

what am i waiting for? im not really sure :) but im here waiting.

things are actually good. it feels strange to say that. its like i've been living a sad existence for quite some time and in my sick, sick mind i wanted it to stick. but like always it hasnt. im not confused right now, nor am i sad, suicidal (though i've never been) or any of that. I am though stressed (mainly because of school), exasperated, and just wanting mainly to stop school...oh yeah im stressed to because of well college.

some days ago ms o told us our class had the highest potential. i mean our 'IQ' on an average was really high and no one was below average...o was it above average? then alys started counting who were the superiors because ms said that we had 6 (or was that 7?). she said del, kat, amor, richel, dont remember, me and she didnt know the last one. and then ms said out of the top 20 (or was it 10?) we had 7 (or some other number i cant remember) and (as i've always known) i am definitely not part of that group though it is likely that the other superiors are. i've always disliked that term superior IQ. for me its practically worth nothing. what the hell does my IQ do anyway? nothing, that what. i guess i could use my dyslexia as an excuse but then thats just running away from my problems. i am just not that smart. well not a smart thinker. anyway we did promise we'd do our best this quarter and i hope i can. hahahaha okay maybe this is just me afraid of reaching superior standards and having to keep it up and having to deal with the pressure of being smart forever or maybe its just me afraid of reaching for the best i can and finding out i would just stand on the same platform as i do now. damn.. im not actually sure which is honestly true. honestly. i may be just as confused as you are after reading that. sorry.

anyway well im happy and i hope you all are :) im going now to read my book...im just taking a break from.... nothing really...just taking a break.