Monday, July 16, 2007
PNPA

this is whats it like i guess. the more i think about it the more i want to stop. screwing your body over isnt such a good thing after all. i mean after awhile your body does have to sleep properly. i shouldnt try to push it to as far as possible. who knows? maybe theres no return from the edge. this 2 hour sleeping habit though is really kicking me in the ass. just last july 14 i could barely sit down and keep a straight mind for more then 5 mins, my head became prone to throbbing and i've become more paranoid then usual. the not studying for the up coming exams isnt really all that smart either. the up coming exams of the UPCAT are at August 4 or 5 so i've got to really kick up the gear. but you know i thank God that the UPCATs are at that date. i end up having to decided on either a wedding or a test and frankly i'd rather do the test. see, im not really made of socializing and not only would i be socializing in that situation but i would also have to wear a dress... ew...

anyway well that day made me happy too that im not the type that gets clingy. its always been something that was missing in my life, the want for something to stay, or simply missing something or the fact that i seem to have a hard time getting attached. im not saying i've missed no one. there are a few that i've genuinely missed. the ones that i actually felt the need to see and hear and just simply be with but they are few in number. today though, is seemed like a blessing. i dont know whether its sad or a waste that i felt nothing going home from the PNPA. in fact when my friend said "im gonna miss this place" i had nothing to say. to me that place was just a place, just another passing moment. to me it just didnt touch me to any great extent. i mean, yes, i am great full for people like them who are willing to dedicate their lives to helping everyone but what am i going to do with that? it was their decisions and all i can do is be a good citizen to make their jobs easier. it may seem cruel to say but thats the truth. its been a while though since something has caught my interest and it kind of makes things dull. seeing nothing with the excitement or extreme joy does make one wonder where that emotion has gone.
days just seem to pass as days and minutes as minutes; no moment stands alone.

there is no point of reference yet.

you understand that right? for example when a person who adores his wife looses her, to them now, everything else that will happen in the future will be said with the phrase "after she died" and everything before was when she was there. i wouldnt want that to happen to me though (in the girl version of that) im just saying there isn't a point of reference yet... something less extreme would be: after i met him and before he was in my life. or after i learned to dance and before i learned to dance. just simple stuff like that can, for some people, be the time they realize something great. damn.... i may just be too picky.

god..that was one good yet bad day... like i said before i am glad i am like that but sometimes you miss that feeling or rather, more appropriately, the idea of that feeling. sigh.

i need to clean up my act... so here i am planning to study and still here talking to you.. im not afraid though that one of my friends will read you. most are out there worrying about the exams that the few who read you (if any) will be to busy to ever open you up. and if they do read this then i dont mind if they know me enough this wont shock them so much... maybe a bit but not too much. anyway i have to go.....got a lot of studying to do