Thursday, April 12, 2007
4th summer entry

(actual date: april 12, 2007 actual time: 3:54AM i took note of this from a friend)

its four in the morning and i am afraid. you know just generally afraid. the kind of afraid that makes you cry at night even though you dont know why but actually you do know and sometimes its just too frightening to say or even think it out aloud. right now im being eaten alive by mosquitoes and im listening to Daughters by John Mayer yet all i can think about is how much i want to curl up and stay like that forever, not having to face the world. i guess it doesn't help that i watched the third season of gery's anatomy and it made me really sad and i couldn't cry the whole time I was watching because i was with my brother and sisters. I am a crying type of person. i know we shouldn't use labels but that is what i consider my 'thing' to be. i cry, that's what i do best. i cry during movies, when i think i've screwed up, when people i love are hurting, when i see a stranger hurting, when there is sadness, when my life gets confusing, when it hurts and even when i dont feel a thing. i turn to these tears to protect me, to make me feel as if something, someone, would come and save me. and i guess when i dont get to cry, i stay up and just write because crying wasn't an option.

you must think of me a weak little girl who makes up all her problems and i guess i am that.

okay scratch what ever i just said there right now i am crying and i know its stupid to confess and things are really confusing right now so i dont know.

just to clear things up its not my grades...those are average, as usual but i deserve even worse with the way i've been studying. its not the UP talk nor the sister coming home. no. its not either of them. but its something i hope, or i could be here hurting for no apparent reason and that, to me, seems worse since im not really ready to go to some mental institution...not just yet (haha just kidding...im almost sure im not going nuts) so there thats my entry. i guess im not going to share about my outing on monday nor about card day because, right now, im just about done crying...i hope