Sunday, May 06, 2007
11th summer entry

a lot of things are changing, like the fact that im sleeping before 12 am because i have to get up early and that im commuting now. though i only know how to commute to one place at least i can do it by my self because finally after many conversations with my parent urging him to let me commute i have finally broken their wall and proven i can accomplish that at least. something else that changed is that now i have friends in the place that i study at. that is a relief i have long forgotten and missed. im also studying during summer. i've never done that before, i just dont study and now thats all im going to do. i haven't gone out yet of the philippines this summer, which is really a change for me. my family as well has changed, unlike the whole year my older sister is back and you know what? all summer my whole family has never eaten together, not once and imagine that were all here so whats stopping us?

so if you noticed at all this is a list of some of the things that have changed in my life, just some of the things i've noticed to be different and i guess noticeable. (labo) so now im gonna ramble on and tell whats been happening inside of me because i am an emo person and this is an emo blog.

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have you heard the saying 'the heart wants what it wants'? why isn't there one like that for the brain? why doesn't the brain want what it wants? considering the fact that the brain does so much of the work of organizing our thoughts and actions you'd think the emotions where found there as well. my brain and heart are quarreling right now and frankly im siding with my brain. see, all the heart does, in my opinion, is fall. it falls and falls till either some one catches it or it crashes to the ground and depending on the distance of the jumping platform from the ground it bounces of the ground or breaks into a million pieces. it then waits to be fixed or it simply fixes it self if its not too shattered. it gets up again to be broken or caught once more. its a stupid cycle, its a stupid heart. the brain on the other hand thinks first. it makes up possibilities with the facts at hand and sometimes even with just assumptions. it remembers pain and avoids it when the opportunity arrives. the brain makes it so that its easier to live in this world.

right now my heart wants to change; its falling to one fact i never ever imagined my self getting into. and all my brain is screaming is for me to stop and look at my self. to see if my heart is right and that change is for the better or for myself to catch my heart before it falls to far and breaks. i just dont want to be that girl who wants but never gets. who always just stand there and never knows and never finds out out of fear. my heart just stands on the ledge, farther and father out, just tempting faith, wanting to prove it can take the fall and crash, if that is what happens. its a stubborn heart, i know, and damn it all my brain wants to do is tie it down and beat the sense into it. but sadly they are so far apart and all it can do now is send signals and i guess there thoughts are what they are.

so in summary i just dont want to be that girl who gets broken. and as usual my brain is afraid to change who it is. its afraid to be different from who i am today and just simply let my heart fall and be caught by who ever or no one. now dont get me wrong i've fallen before. i've jumped for family, friends and other stuff to, ive even jumped for my self but i've heard that the new jump my heart wants to take hurts more. my brain heard and so did my heart. so now my brain wants to never feel it and my heart wants to challenge the world and contradict it. like i said its a stupid heart. i just dont know whos going to win this. there both seem so strong and i guess i go back to the old saying the heart wants what it wants and that makes me afraid that maybe that leads to a new saying the heart gets what it wants... whether it just wants to be broken over and over again just to prove a point or to actually be caught.